Gyruff (Grand Duchy of Geoff)

Mazer's Log

Before I get started, some of the good stuff we have been helping Gyruff with has really paid off. At first I was giving this adventuring life a go just for some music inspiration, meeting some exotic women, and a little fame. But wow Man! Here that guy Gareth we rescued from the Gran March is ruling a recent liberated Arweth and offered an insta-upgrade to nobility for his pals that helped him out. Well, I was all over that faster than I could strum the old lute and tip one back so now I am referred as Baronet Mazer Raxxam of Fort Resolve! Bam! Now I’m hotter than ever, a Baronet, very inspired musician, very famous, and most important of all…the chicks just can’t get enough of ole Mazer here.

Well I met a new group of adventures for our next task in Hochoch. Unlike the last adventure, unfortunately this group is a sausage fest. I’m okay with it though, things have been working out. Oh yeah, Baroness Jagr was here too. The only female in the group. Just between you and me I catch her looking my direction all the time so “it” will eventually happen but she needs to take a number. Mazer don’t need no clinging vines!

So our goal was to rescue some High Mage guy called Pebblebutt…or bottom. See a bunch of these super mages are gone and we need to get some back to Gyruff because of a minor power vacuum there. I heard that a Green Dragon was collecting mages in gems or something. Creepy, needs a new hobby. Well we are planning on visiting all the known places that the recently DEAD green scale-sack of a looser was at as well as where places Pebblebutt was living. I gave a real big sigh because THAT sounded like a long trip to me…and it was. 33 days in all!

Ready, set, go! Right off the line we get asked by associates of Arglwyth Alvestar to assist in inspecting some cargo on the DTC longboat. He received a sending warning him that Mr. DEAD Scale-sack more or less planted a big black scour bomb on this boat due to leave. When it would sail past Ravonnar, which is also mystery how they do that too by the way, and that energy got to it, I guess that would feed the black scour and make it grow and grow and grow some more and would not stop growing so that it was bad for pretty much everyone and the land. We tested the entire cargo load and most of the barrels onboard were all contaminated with black scour. We got those off and stored them securely in Caer Dwr Gwyldy…yeah don’t ask me to pronounce it…with Gareth’s approval. Those barrels have some company because there was a 100 or so Gran March prisoners there too. Well, for that helping we received greatly discounted boat fare to travel a really long way to Tenwalls. Everything was going great and boring on that ride when during the night one of our darkvision night-watch spotted a longboat sneaking up behind us. It was later identified as a Keoish boat with a black sail, no lights, and muffled oarlocks so they were very quiet. I’ll be honest, for a moment there it didn’t look good for us. My hair was flowingly perfect and the last thing I wanted to do was take a swim. Their whole deck was filled with archers and they were only 60’ behind us so this was going to hurt. We were just under sail power. They were rowing and under sail. So I burst into action and started picking off oars on one side of their boat with my wand of magic missiles. I was then going to moon them with my perfect bare backside when they started going for a ride off course in circles but the REAL hero of the night thought “moon” too in a different way and decided to act! (Suspenseful musical interlude….) That Druid in our group Aoth decided to carve that boat full a new one! He put down a moonbeam right in front of their boat and that moonbeam tore right through those poor sucking peg-leg pirates. Better yet, he brought it back and forth on deck like a spotlight of destruction. I almost felt sorry for them after Moonbeam (that’s what I call him now) “signed his name across their heart”…hey, that sounds like e new song! Yeah, they turned away pretty quickly from us after that and we made it to Tenwalls.

After a brief stay in Tenwalls (those people are so happy by the way…I think I could get in trouble there), we headed for Moundgnomery for any clues as to Pebblebutt’s location. Well I’ll admit something to you. Mazer is good at looking good, playing the lute & singing, drinking, partying with the ladies, burning down baddies, you know all the important stuff. Not so good at remembering the layout of dark dungeons of Moundgnomery when I was just there recently to rescue prisoners to support by buddy Dandelion. Kind of took a while. I also gazed into that evil corrupted temple AGAIN with my magic glasses and froze and saw more terrifying and disturbing things. Great… My face was absolutely burning & stinging red because my own “friends” were selling tickets to slap my face a new one to snap me out of it. Is that how you treat artwork!!? Really!? Well, Jagr was enjoying that activity a bit too much because she just loves to touch me. Hmmmm…try to deny it! Long story short, we got to exploring Moundgnomery and found no clues. All we found was a bunch of stupid Kobolds now worshiping Essvaress and their pile of copper pieces and rotting headless DEAD green scale-sack of a looser. Not to go away empty handed, we decided to take some dragon scales to make something with in the future. It was disgusting work…but how often does one come across an evil dragon that’s not trying to eat you? (Dungeon crawl musical interlude….)

So our next tip was leading us to Richmound where a bunch of happy-go lucky Gnomes live, as well as a residence of Pebblebutt. On the way we ran into some undead (wights and zombies) at the Stark Mounds. My MazerBeams™ made a special appearance for those dead-sack balls and they won’t be bothering anyone again. Well this hike ended a bit short because just inside the Stark Mounds a bunch of real grumpy, militant, and hostile Gnomes riding wardog mastiffs surrounded us and told us to turn back. Someone called The Commisar (which sounded like a song I have been writing called Der Kommissar) ordered all their lands closed to the “likes of you”. Did I mention Gnomes are to be happy go-lucky? Not anymore because these guys almost attacked us without provocation! Luckily the group has me on board because I persuaded them not to arrest or kill us…because they sure wanted to. Geez, lighten up Gnomies! Their heraldry was white/light grey with a golden gnome guy. Needless to say we diverted from that lead really quickly based on the warm welcome received. On to tip number three. (Hike-on musical interlude….)

Ugggg, this was getting to be a really long trip. Now to Gorna where Pebblebutt resided and to talk to the rotting headless DEAD green scale-sack of a loser’s former associate Essvaress. He joined the good guys during the big battle with the Brenin so was made the Minister of Education for Gyruff. We thought it would be a good idea to talk a bit more with him since he was in direct contact with Mr. Dead Green Problems. So we arrive at the former High Mages residence and are greeted by a life-size statue of Magnus Burkan. What the %#*&^! Last time anyone saw him he was flying up to attack a cloud castle….I guess it didn’t work out well. Being the polite people we are we knocked on the door. Some guy and a real hottie of body woman answered the door. He was rude, full of himself, and threatening. She was a real quiet-type looker if I didn’t already say that but couldn’t see her face because of a hood. He claimed to be Gleap’ster Gyruff’s new High Mage and told us we can’t come in, to quit bothering him, and go away. If we didn’t we would end up like Burkan! Jerk! Well, I couldn’t get anywhere with him…really wanted to with quiet & curvy Sweet Temptation standing there then suddenly Evendur got all cocky and said he’ll come in anyway. He thinks he is all hot stuff because of some cursed ring he can’t get off his finger that makes him immune to all magic. Well they let him buy and then shut the door. A sew seconds later Gleap’ster opened the door again and was mad because how he was going to move the life-size now stone statue of Evendur out of his house. Zoinks! Denied once again and now down a party member. Quickly leaving the scene to talk with Essvaress I glanced back at my future silent curvy Sweet Temptation and thought I saw her hair move, like it had a mind of its own snakes hair. Okay, Mazer really dodged an stone-arrow there. I heard life-size stone statue Evendur is now with Burkan outside and a bird made a nest on his immune to magic head. Sorry Dude. We got to find a way to bring Burkan back and if there is time, the other guy too.

The visit with Gyruff’s new Minister of Education went better. At first I was a bit concerned having a private discussion with a Green Dragon since they have not been getting good press lately but Bookwurm Essvaress was pretty cool and just loved to talk about everything, even when not asked about anything. Out of nowhere he just lets us know of some really big secret meeting of the nobility of Gyruff and not to say anything to anyone. Sure Dude. We ran down a litany of questions regarding rotting headless DEAD green scale-sack of a looser and the Keep at Storm Mountain came up a number of times in his answers which to me means…well I was not quite sure what it meant but we decided that that was our next destination on our grand tour of Gyruff. I hope that secret meeting goes well and I am very concerned that rotting headless DEAD green scale-sack of a looser was visiting quite regularly the Keep at Storm Mountain where my buddy Prince Rhys, his Brat Pack, and a whole bunch of guards (and one particularly hot female super guard that just couldn’t get enough of ole Mazer) were stationed. I do hope everyone is okay. (Suspenseful musical interlude….)

Luckily for everyone this was my third trip to this Keep place at Storm Mountain so it was a much better traveling experience than the dark tunnels of Moundgnomery and my perfect face being slapped silly. Well we got there and the place was as quiet and still as the first time. Not good. Not a person in sight. We entered the courtyard, nothing and no one. We searched the first floor, nothing and no one. Everything was neat, clean, and orderly so far. We searched the second floor, nothing and no one. WAIT!!! See there was this hanging tapestry of animals that radiated magic that opened into some kind of extra-planar library room. We were all over that on our last visit. Should I try it again? Could anything be in there? “Let’s do it again” is something Mazer always hears from the ladies so…let’s do it again animal tapestry! I remembered how to activate it, which is our little secret, and we all went in. Well, another empty room with books and a desk. We searched the whole room and in the desk was a huge iron key and a dozen black silk cloths, one of which was magical. Sweet! We got outta that extra-planer space and the magical silk cloth was a damn portable hole!!! Schwing! When we opened up the portable hole we found rotting headless DEAD green scale-sack of a loser’s hoard and most importantly the Crown w/ gems containing four of Gyruff’s Mages! Mr. Pebblebutt was there plus three more. Essvaress would have been proud of those math skills. We then searched the lower level cellar of the Keep, nothing and no one. Unfortunately we had to briefly look at the evil well area yuck! The big iron key we found opened that sealed door and we quickly and sadly saw that there were no survivors here at the keep on Storm Mountain. Lost here were some really good and cool people. It put a somber feeling on everyone even though we accomplished our goal in a mere 30 days. We decided to head back to Gorna for some much needed rest and to figure out what to do with these Mages in gems in a Crown. Another three days to Gorna put us at a grand total of 33 days on this quest! Perhaps I can apprentice with the Minister of Education with my impressive and repeating math skills! Later – Mazer


Well spoken, Mazer. Your version does share the story in quite an infantile light. Very amusing.
– “Your” Jagr

Mazer's Log

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